For What I am About to Do…

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Isn’t the Pacific Northwest beautiful?

It’s been a few months. And in these few months, it seems like nothing has happened, yet some important things have.  From February to the beginning of April, I was in a constant state of curiosity (not the fun, relaxed kind). I was tensely waiting for responses from the graduate schools to which I had applied, checking my email at least 20 times a day. Well, it’s now well past the deadline for responses, and my decision has been made.

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I ended up choosing Virginia Tech, which was not the school that I saw myself ending up at, but I was offered a great opportunity as a Graduate Teaching Assistant as well as a nice stipend. From a young age, I’ve always been fascinated by the colonial period of America’s history, and now I’ll be moving to the area of the country where evidence of that period abounds. I’m both scared and excited about these next two years of my life. I’ll be moving to an area where I’ll know absolutely no one, beginning arduous graduate studies, and teaching freshman English starting my second semester. If you had told me even three years ago that I would be applying to graduate schools, I would have laughed you out of the room. Because at that time I was so burnt out on school that I could barely stand the thought of crawling through my senior year of undergraduate studies. Things never ever seem to go as planned.

What else has been going on? Well, this little guy has joined the family. Little is a relative word. Little boy Blue is probably three times the size he was when we first brought him home almost two months ago. He’s all legs, but he’s the cutest thing. Boy, does he keep me busy.

I haven’t had any adventures since Kansas City, but I have a trip planned to return home to California for about a week in June, and I can’t wait! Lately, there have been certain objects or songs that trigger homesickness in me, and I am overjoyed at the thought of going home, even if its just for a little while.

Speaking of adventures, I’ve had this overwhelming desire to go to Spain for the past month or so. I just officially signed my contract with Virginia Tech yesterday, and part of me was wondering whether I should have asked for a year extension so I could go back abroad as an au pair in Spain for a year or so.  What can I say other than that I absolutely going new places? And part of me also thinks that this is the time when I should be globetrotting because once you hit a certain age, people look at you like you should have your life together. I feel like I’m not quite at that certain age yet, but getting closer. At the same time, I also thought that now was the time to get the M.A. It was a conflict—it still is. I don’t think I made the wrong decision, but I can’t help the wistful feelings that come when I think about going abroad.

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La Sagrada Famila, Barcelona, Spain

I have a heartache, an impulse, a dream, and because of this, I find myself somewhat depressed with where I am in life.  *WARNING: STRUGGLE ALERT* With the advent of Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and the like, I’m seeing the highlight reels of people of whom I know personally and those of people I don’t know at all. It seems like everyone has something that I can’t have. My friends are married or in relationships. Instagram Jane travels all over the world and takes beautiful photos of Wonderland-like landscapes. Why can’t I be lucky enough to have that or go there? Hello. I realize that there are SO many problems with the line of thinking. Heck yes there are. For one, those feelings and questions suggest that I’m entitled to those things, that I deserve them. Nothing is further from the truth; I deserve absolutely nothing. None of us do, and that’s something that our culture can’t grasp the concept of. Another thing is that these posts and photos capture the highlights. They reveal what the author wants everyone to see. Nobody’s life is perfect. And lastly, my life isn’t really that unfortunate; however, as I compare my lows to everyones normalcy or life highs, of course I become even more unhappy.

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I can’t continue to go through life with this chip on my shoulder. I’ve seen the idea of Gratitude Journals pop up every now and then. I thought about doing them but would brush it off. Finally, I saw Amy Perrin, a fitness icon that I have followed on Instagram for a few years, post a video on Snapchat about her Gratitude Journal, suggesting that I should write my gratitudes down, even if it’s being thankful for putting gas in my car or not working a Sunday night. She stated that being thankful for these small things will make you appreciate those spectacular things that happen even more than you already do. I was actually really convicted as I heard that. I am not hurting for anything. I’m blessed with enough, but because I want other things of a greater magnitude, I overlook these things that I already do have and take for granted. Talk about ungrateful. So I started a Journal of Gratitude in order to help me keep things in perspective and recognize the small blessings that occur daily. And if something happens, like God-willing I somehow get back to Spain or Italy in the next few years, then that is a blessing that I will be that much happier about.

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Bowl and Pitcher, Spokane, Washington

So yep. That’s life right now. I have some exciting events coming up in the next few weeks, like my first half-marathon (yikes!) and my trip to California. Be on the look out for a post on those things within the next month! In the mean time, for what I am about to do concerning my next steps in life, I could use prayer.

 

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